Dashing Villain’s Disc (DVD) Now Available!

I, the incredibly magnificent Count Olaf, am proud to announce the most exciting thing that has ever happened to you! You marveled at his stunning performance in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, you drooled over his every word on CountOlaf.com. Now….you can take Count Olaf home! That’s right, my DVD is now available almost everywhere! Just think, you can watch me outwit the orphans over and over and over and over again. You can even lick my eyebrow on your very own TV screen. The DVD is available in two editions: A Single-Disc Version for boring people, and A Two-Disc Special Collectors Editions for really popular people! Laugh with me in Obnoxious Outtakes. Study my art in the featurette “Building a Bad Actor”. Explore my possibilities with the Interactive Count Olaf feature! Plus, for a limited time only, just for you, I’ll throw in Aunt Josephine free with purchase! (And trust me, she can’t even swim.) So go buy my DVD today. Or else!

Farewell…For Now!

Countless drooling people continue to see my movie and marvel at the awesome tremenditude of my eyebrowful performance. I am the critics darling, as well as the darling of several Hollywood starlets – wait for me, Charlize! But, dear fans, my plot here is done, at least for now. I have made my eye-shaped mark on the history of cinema. I pledged long ago, even before the fire, to get my hands on the Baudelaire fortune. And they don’t call me Count Olaf for nothing. (Get it? “Count”? Like money? Ha! I’ve still got it, babies!) So, I set off today to hatch the greatest plot of my career. Look for me in the Sunday papers, my adoring lackeys! Dream of me in your nightmares! Baudelaires, you don’t even know what unfortunate means!!! See you at the hotel!!! EXEUNT!

Fan-ning the Flames

As I write this, sigh, I am opening more fan mail. Here’s one from a brat in Italy asking if I’ll adopt him. (Answer: No.) And another from a constable inquiring about a missed court date. (Answer: You are an idiot.) And this one’s from a – WAIT A MINUTE. Listen to this: “Dear Count Olaf, You’ll never get your hands on the Baudelaire fortune! Ha!” I BEG YOUR PARDON. I’m already rich, you cakesniffing lettersicko! I’m famous! I don’t need any piddly Baudelaire fortune! Although, now that you mention it, I have felt a certain lack of purpose in my life recently. Maybe…oh my, is it true? Have I forgotten my calling? I deserve that enormous fortune!

My Blue Period

I’ve been a little…shall we say…blue lately. And I do not mean blue like that kid who fell down the well in the middle of winter. Why, I woke up this morning, looked at myself in the mirror, and said, “Count Olaf, you are unbelievably handsome. I adore you and your eyebrow. Kisses.” Then I dove into my inflatable pool of cash and splashed around for a while. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there’s something missing. My movie opened to wild acclaim. I am both filthy AND rich. I am superfamous. Liz Smith has a crush on me. So what could be wrong? What could be missing from my miraculous life? Sigh. Tell me, oh blog, who is the fairest of them all?

Olaf’s New Year’s Resolutions!

Out with the orphans, in with the new! Even Counts have new year’s resolutions. Here are mine: I will not get caught. I will not be upstaged. I will not be investigated by the Securities and Exchange Commission. I will not be thwarted by children or monkeys. I will not accept defeat. I will not put the toilet seat down. I will not eat Italian food. I will not praise others. I will not trip when going to accept my Academy Award. I will not accept any “literary” roles in “period pieces”, despite my classic good looks. And I will NOT REST UNTIL THE BAUDELAIRE FORTUNE IS MINE ONCE AND FOR ALL. I know I’m rich. But Count Olaf is a man of principle!

Jim, Carrey My Bags!

Who does he think he is, Count Olaf? Everywhere I go, there’s Jim Carrey. A reporter asks me a question, and Jim Carrey answers. A fan asks for my autograph, and Jim Carrey signs it. Now, I enjoy Jimbo’s work in film as much as the next outrageous villain. But does he have one eyebrow? Can he recite the complete works of Shakespeare in utter silence? I think not! Let’s face it. Jim Carrey is not fit to wear the shoes of the Greatest Actor the World Has Ever Known…although it is technically true that we have the same shoe size. I rest my case.

The Night Before Christmas

by Count Olaf

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and the crowd packed the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except that brat Klaus—
Each adoring fan clutching their grand movie ticket
To see I, the great Olaf, do Lemony Snicket!

I’ve starred in countless plays and dastardly plots
You’ve admired my eyebrow in dramatic mugshots
Now the world’s handsomest Count proudly presents
The finest two hours of unfortunate events!

The crowd oohed at my entrance, and aahed at my face
They sat rapt when the plot with the train took place
And jumped when the Incredibly Deadly Viper bit
And cried in delight when the hurricane hit

So everything was going roughly as planned
When I saw a girl in the audience stand
And look around wildly, as if she would flee
And then start whispering to her whole family

“Psst, Daniel! Pssst, Darla!
Ma and Pa, can we go?
This isn’t at all
in the right spirit, you know!
There’s no snowmen or songs!
There’s no Santa at all!
It’s Christmas! It’s yuletide!
Don’t you recall?”

Now I do not ride reindeer or wear a red suit
I will not shimmy down your chim-i-ney chute
But still I spread joy and holiday cheer
Which is good, cause poor Santa’s tied up this year

And quite frankly gagged in my dark tower room
So you’d better sit down, kid, don’t make me fume
I’m the block of this buster, I’ll make it real clear
Start clapping or there won’t be Christmas this year!

So in the end I got a standing ovation!
My movie’s the number one hit in the nation
My biggest scheme yet has turned out just right
Merry Christmas to all—

particularly me, and thank you all so much, I’m flattered, really, I don’t deserve such thunderous critical praise and box office success. Actually yes I do!

—and to all a good night!

I Do Not Enjoy Fruitcake!

And I don't believe in Santa Klaus, either, because he's just a fictional character with unusual facial hair and an unhealthy fascination with children that someone made up. However, that doesn’t mean you don't have to get me anything for holidays! Here's what I most want. 10. $42 million. 8. A giant blimp that looks like an eye. 7. Britney Tiffany Lopez's new CD. 6. My own cable channel. 5. The painful demise of the person whose name is in the title of my movie. 4. The painful demise of the person whose name is in the title of my movie, broadcast on my own cable channel. 3. Silk pajamas designed by Academy Award-winning costume designer Colleen Atwood. 2. 99 bottles of wine on the wall. 1. A sequel.

The Box Office Receipts Are In!

And it’s official: I’M UNBELIEVABLY RICH! In a matter of days, my movie’s made millions upon millions upon millions upon millions of millions! Wheeeeee!!!! Isn’t this fun!? Hey, you. Yes, you, the person reading this Blog. HAVE YOU SEEN MY MOVIE YET? You have! It’s really quite wonderful, isn’t it? Did you catch the leitmotif involving the Littlest Elf as the source of all evil in the world? No? Well, you should go see it again, then, shouldn’t you? I’m sorry? Pardon? You haven’t seen the movie at all? Please send me your address so I can come to your house and drag you TO THE MOVIE THEATER WITH MY BARE HANDS YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRAT!

Orphans to Blame

How awful! What a tragedy! Another terrible fire! And this one at Jim Carrey's hotel in London! Unfortunately, he got out alive. We were both in town for the London premiere of my movie, and I must admit that I was becoming quite fed up with the way he kept upstaging me on the red carpet. "Look at me! I'm Jim Carrey! Ha ha hoo hoo!" After the fire, everyone came running asking if I was responsible. (Who's getting all the attention now, Jimbo?!) Of course not! I am an actor, not an arsonist, at least not that you can prove. In fact, I think someone should be talking to the monkey. I always told those children never to play with fire – that is an adult's job!

Roll Out the Black Carpet!

Last night, I, the greatest actor of our times, including daylight savings time, attended the world gala Hollywood premiere of my major motion picture. I WAS SPECTACULAR! The paparazzi nearly fell over themselves trying to take pictures of me, particularly when Meryl Streep was standing in front of me. And the audience was rapt whenever I appeared on the screen, like when I glared around and commandingly shushed Walter Parkes, the film’s alleged producer. Ultimately, the applause was DEAFENING as I was escorted from the theater by a rather gruff security guard. Hollywood loves Count Olaf, and in a matter of days the entire world will, too!

The Election Plot!

What do you think I am, an imbecile?! I know there’s no such thing as the President of All Actors Everywhere. Of course I know that! It’s the Bald Man who thought it was real! And the Hook-Handed Man! They’re the fools! The White-Faced Women actually thought that presidents had secretaries. Hah! Me, I knew all along! I just wanted to…write a spe--….get my face on some sticke--….I just wanted to…Publicize My Movie! GENIUS! This was a carefully planned stunt to publicize my groundbreaking, heartstopping, groundstopping major motion picture debut in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events! And it worked! You fell for it like a widow out a window. Chalk one more victory up for the splendid Count Olaf!

Gorilla Marketing

I’ll stop at nothing to make my movie the biggest blockbuster of all time! I know all about gorilla marketing. However, it’s not easy finding gorilla suits in this town – especially one that fits a person with hooks instead of hands. Fortunately, Colleen Atwood, who did all the costumes on my movie, was able to put together something highly convincing. My troupe has been all over town in their suits for the last few of days. The newspapers, gossip rags, and police scanners are a-buzz! Why, this morning, a cop hit The Bald Man in the thigh with a tranquilizer gun. Add marketer extraordinaire to my long list of accomplishments!

Fan the Flames!

I’m getting more infamous by the moment. Just this morning, I was out for a drive scouting locations for my next plot, when I was forced to pull over by a fan in a police uniform. Of course, I was a little suspicious at first, but he was determined. He made me show him my driver’s license to prove that I was the Count Olaf, and then he asked me to sign my autograph on a little green ticket. I nearly blushed, but instead I said, “You have excellent taste, sir.” Let no one say that I, the extremely handsome Count Olaf, don’t give a dandelion about my fans!

3 Days Until the Grand Mopening!

My eyebrow is tingling, and you know what that means. In a matter of days, millions upon millions of people will crowd into theaters to gape in awe at my enormous, handsome, enormously handsome face. The masses will be swept by emotion as they witness the greatest performance ever performed by a performer performing. The sweat of acting, the irritation of dealing with those children, the chafing of my peg leg, the long months of waiting and writing these dreadful blog entries. It will all be worth it, for My Greatness will be revealed once and for all for all to see at least once! I can hear the sirens and applause now!

Run for Cover!

Because I’m going to win this election by a landslide! And I’m not just saying that because of the 1,723 buckets of mud I made the White-Faced Women carry up that hill. I’m saying that because I understand the plight of the out-of-work actor. This town is crawling with them: waiters, taxi-drivers, shoe clerks, fire hydrants – you can’t lurk two feet without bumping into another actor in disguise. Thousands upon thousands of bored theatrical types willing to do ANYTHING for their moment in the spotlight, even if it’s the spotlight of a police cruiser at two in the morning! The Age of Olaf is upon us!

Press Junk-it!

I hereby command all Loyal Fans of Count Olaf to boycott publicity for my movie. No watching commercials! Avoid Entertainment Tonight! Scorn late night television! And no eating Papa John’s Pizza! Since you’ve asked, I’ll tell you why. Publicity for the film has been stolen out from underneath me by an orphan conspiracy. I wasn’t even asked to do publicity for the film! Everyone else is going on Oprah. But was I invited to appear! The very star of the very movie? The mastermind behind it all? No, Madame! Not a phone call. Not a murmur. It’s as if I don’t even exist. Well, when this movie opens on December 17th, you’ll see who’s really behind the schemes on the greatest movie ever made!

A Moment’s Reflection!

I am dictating this while looking at myself in the mirror. (The Person of Indeterminate Gender, who has exceedingly delicate hands for a man but somewhat rough palms for a woman, is typing.)

How do I love me? Let me Count the ways.
I love me to the depth and breadth and height
My eyebrow can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of orphans and fortune’s grace.
I love me to the level of every day’s
Most rousing applause, by sun and candle-light.
I love me to…I love…oh, drat. What’s my line? What is my next line? Are you still typing? I said, Are you still typing? Stop. Stop typing! This instant, you fool! St

Frequently Asinine Questions

Today, I dedicate my blog entry to answering questions posed to me by fans and idiots.

1) How dare you! Absolutely not, you scoundrel!
2) Gasoline is for amateurs.
3) Not guilty (except in Delaware).
4) Twice, usually in the morning.
5) The other White-Faced Woman.
6) I do not dignify the questions of monkeys!
7) Because international actors deserve roast beef.
8) In small, unmarked bills.
9) My main influences are alcoholic.

What a Plot!

Do you recall, a while back, when I was – shall we say – a bit standoffish? You know. When I said you disgust me. Well, I certainly hope you didn’t take that seriously. I was only acting. I’m the greatest actor of all time, remember? Anyhoo, I was being fitted for a new peg leg by Colleen Atwood, who did all of the costumes for my movie, when I learned something about who else gets a holiday. Hint: Washington and Lincoln. Meanwhile, I was thinking more about all those actors just waiting to be told what to do, and, well... let’s just say that in a few more weeks, I’ll be ready to unveil my most brilliant plot yet!

Roast Beef is the New Turkey!

Finally, a day to thank me, be thankful for me, or give me all your money. To all of my loyal fans and minions (except those residing in Canada), I would like to wish you a Thanksgiving full of peace, prosperity, and thoughts of me. There is so much to be thankful for today. Be thankful that you can read, for you can read my Blog. Be thankful that you can see, for you will soon be able to see my movie. Be thankful that you have money, for you can give it all to me unless I steal it first. Enjoy your roast beef dinner on this fine Thanksgiving Day. Turkey is for orphans.

Actors, actors everywhere

I’ve done some sneaking around, and... this town is crawling with actors. They’re absolutely everywhere! Waiters, taxi-drivers, shoe clerks, fire hydrants – you can’t lurk two feet without bumping into another actor in disguise. And here’s the best part – most of them couldn’t get a part if their life depended on it. Thousands upon thousands of bored theatrical types willing to do ANYTHING for their moment in the spotlight... Am I the only diabolical genius who sees an opportunity here? Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone is hatching a new plaa-aaannnn...

My Presidential Demeanor!

Nobody demeans like Count Olaf! Just ask Bill Corso, the master of disguise who was responsible for the makeup in my movie. I demeaned him almost every day we worked together, and he’s worked on the demeanors of hundreds of villains, heartthrobs, and aspiring politicians! In fact, I was just speaking to him the other day when I made an extraordinarily insightful point. George Washington stole my haircut.

The Greatest Actor Since Reagan?

Another grueling day kissing monkeys and bellowing at crowds. The role of Candidate may be the most challenging part I’ve ever played. I am constantly having to smile at ugly people. My arm’s been killing me from all of the waving, so I borrowed one of Hook’s fake hands and taped it to my shoulder. Works like a charm. Still, I have to keep reminding myself: It will all be worth it. Soon, I’ll command an enormous army of the less talented. Audiences will stoop at my feet. I’ll be the most powerful actor since Reagan!

Who needs slaves when you have extras?

Rick Heinricks and I got together today to plan my presidential monument. Some call him an Oscar-winning Production Designer, but I prefer to think of him as a co-conspirator. We discussed my influences….power….greed….money. Then KABLAMOO! The perfect idea! Once elected, I will erect a huge pyramid with an eye on top, just like the one they have on the back of the dollar bill. It’s just so perfectly, indescribably, brilliantly, horrifically... OLAF! We figure it won’t take more than twenty thousand extras and fourteen years to build.

Olaf rules alone!

Everywhere I went today people wanted to know who my candidate for Vice President is. How dare they! As if I don’t have a firm grasp on all the Vices! I’m known all over the world as a scoundrel, are I not? I don’t need any help in that department. Not like my opponents, who are all declaring running mates. If they really wanted to win, they’d spend less time jogging and more time telling voters what they want to hear. Like this: I, your beloved Count Olaf, will make you unbelievably rich and famous!

Bravo for taxes!

The more I learn about this President thing, the more I am struck by what a great scheme it is. Not only will I get a fat paycheck even if I do nothing. Not only will not doing what I say be considered treason. Not only will I be served roast beef every night. But as King – er, President – I will be able to levy taxes! Every living actor between here and Cannes will contribute to my coffers! Jim Carrey the highest paid actor in Hollywood? Not anymore!

IMPORTANT: Very Fortunate Disclosure.

I, Count Olaf, actor, humanitarian, heart throb, ultimate dad, have an important announcement to make that will change the face of Hollywood – and History! Now, I can’t let the campaign out of the bag before the proper time: 5 pm on November 3rd. See you there. Or else!

Happy Columbus Day?!

Happy Columbus Day?! Happy Columbus Day?! I don’t know about you, but I don’t see anybody named Columbus starring in any movies this Christmas. I don’t see any Columbus who personally keeps a blog for his adoring public. I don’t see any Columbus with the greatest eyebrow in history. I can think of someone who deserves their own holiday, and it’s not some dead explorer. Can you guess who? No, you idiot! ME! COUNT OLAF! It should be COUNT OLAF Day! I SHOULD BE A HOLIDAY!…Whatever. Go away. You disgust me.

A Preview of My Greatness

The new preview for my movie has begun appearing in theaters. Ah! I can smell the applause! Of course, it takes nearly thirty seconds before I appear onscreen, but no matter. My face is three stories tall – seven if you happen to see it in IMAX! The theater has always been my first love after money and power, but it might be time to reconsider. I don’t know how I can possibly wait another ten weeks until I get to stare at myself on the silver screen for nearly two hours straight!

I’m The Man in Japan!

Did you know that the unbelievably charming and talented Count Olaf is already well on his way to world domination? Take Japan for example. They love me over there! I played the evil uncle in 11 of the 13 most popular kung-fu movies of all time. I’ve even got my own brand of eyebrow wax – everyone uses it, including babies – and there are billboards on every corner where my face is the size of a golf course. Really, if I had to choose, I would have to say that Japan is my favorite country in all of Europe!

The Ten Greatest Actors of All Time!

Most of these guys couldn’t perform a minor felony, let alone a great role! Then again, not everyone can be me. 10. Dustin Hoffman. He might’ve been okay in Rain Man, but I stole the show in Hurricane Man! 9. Spencer Tracy. Come on. He’s not even an actor. He’s a comic strip detective! 8. Stephano. What a mustache! 7. Jimmy Stewart. I definitely could’ve gotten my hands on his fortune if I’d wanted to. 6. Larry David. He stole my whole look! 5. James Cagney. I don’t even know who that is. 4. Marlon Brando. Did you know that I was the inspiration for the Godfather? 3. Captain Sham. He really brought peg legs back into fashion. 2. Sir Laurence Olivier. Please. He added that “Sir” to his name because Count was already taken. 1. Count Olaf!!!