The Greatest Actor Since Reagan?

Another grueling day kissing monkeys and bellowing at crowds. The role of Candidate may be the most challenging part I’ve ever played. I am constantly having to smile at ugly people. My arm’s been killing me from all of the waving, so I borrowed one of Hook’s fake hands and taped it to my shoulder. Works like a charm. Still, I have to keep reminding myself: It will all be worth it. Soon, I’ll command an enormous army of the less talented. Audiences will stoop at my feet. I’ll be the most powerful actor since Reagan!