The Night Before Christmas

by Count Olaf

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and the crowd packed the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except that brat Klaus—
Each adoring fan clutching their grand movie ticket
To see I, the great Olaf, do Lemony Snicket!

I’ve starred in countless plays and dastardly plots
You’ve admired my eyebrow in dramatic mugshots
Now the world’s handsomest Count proudly presents
The finest two hours of unfortunate events!

The crowd oohed at my entrance, and aahed at my face
They sat rapt when the plot with the train took place
And jumped when the Incredibly Deadly Viper bit
And cried in delight when the hurricane hit

So everything was going roughly as planned
When I saw a girl in the audience stand
And look around wildly, as if she would flee
And then start whispering to her whole family

“Psst, Daniel! Pssst, Darla!
Ma and Pa, can we go?
This isn’t at all
in the right spirit, you know!
There’s no snowmen or songs!
There’s no Santa at all!
It’s Christmas! It’s yuletide!
Don’t you recall?”

Now I do not ride reindeer or wear a red suit
I will not shimmy down your chim-i-ney chute
But still I spread joy and holiday cheer
Which is good, cause poor Santa’s tied up this year

And quite frankly gagged in my dark tower room
So you’d better sit down, kid, don’t make me fume
I’m the block of this buster, I’ll make it real clear
Start clapping or there won’t be Christmas this year!

So in the end I got a standing ovation!
My movie’s the number one hit in the nation
My biggest scheme yet has turned out just right
Merry Christmas to all—

particularly me, and thank you all so much, I’m flattered, really, I don’t deserve such thunderous critical praise and box office success. Actually yes I do!

—and to all a good night!