There comes a time in every Count’s dastardly plan when he realizes there is more to life than enormous fame, fortune, handsomeness, and treachery. There’s also getting bumper stickers made with your face on them.

Today, I have an announcement to make that is even more exciting than my eyebrow.
I am pleased to declare my candidacy for

Oh! Oh! You’re so kind! Please! I’m blushing! What extraordinary applause! Please! I can’t even hear myself suck my teeth! Please! Let me continue.

As the greatest living actor who has ever lived, nobody is better qualified to have all actors everywhere do his bidding. I know what it’s like to be a struggling actor, especially if what you’re struggling against is handcuffs. I know that there are obedient extras out there. There are ferocious dog actors in need of a part. There’s even that guy who dresses up as a dirty sock in the detergent commercial.

What do all of these actors need?A person they can Count on™. A person whose dirty work makes them feel special, like they’re part of a grandiose plot.

As acting I will do whatever it takes to make sure all actors everywhere are respected, rich, and totally loyal to me. We will replace lawyers as the most beloved, well-paid profession! Orphans and widows will be throwing their fortunes at TVs, movie screens, and off-off-Broadway stages everywhere if I’m elected.

So this November, remember:

OR ELSE!

Of course you can trust me. I’m an actor.

You future ruler,